Winners and losers in debt-ceiling debacle

Newspapers are hee-hawing about everyone losing with debt-ceiling problems looming. Who said so? Conan the Barbarian or He-man the Stupid?

WINNERS:

Debt ceiling: Aah, I *finally* know what it means.

Harry Potter: Cashed in before the debt ceiling fell.

Nuts: Glad the politicians joined their ilk. Also glad the politicians got kicked around.

Venezuela: I guess America's problems benefit enemies?

Pubs: Halls were crowded with frustrated, angry people looking for a pint to sink the debt-ceiling pain.

Air conditioner: Remained cool and raised electricity bills without the ceiling crashing.

Chewbacca: Furball talked about debt-ceiling problem centuries ago, just no one understood him.

Tea Partiers: John McCain called them "hobbits," Tea Partiers revelled in joy of being compared to world's top fiction book(s)

NFL: Struck a deal with players without using the words "debt" and "ceiling."

Hawaii: Realized they had the option to join China as a state after breaking away from the US.

God: For once, not blamed for problems

LOSERS

Tea Party: America's biggest reformer turned second-worst enemy after Al-Qaeda

Texas: Found out Tea Partiers want to make them independent state, make George Dubya chief cowboy

Republicans: Wants to ban term Tea Party, because they are held in Russia

Joe Walsh: No "compromise," Tea Party dumbass. OK with interest rate rise, loss of triple-A rating, his reelection loss

Fox News: After decades of bashing Democrats, suddenly had to choose between Republicans or Tea Partiers

Martial arts: Suddenly realizes that Tea Partiers were actually studying mouth boxing

CNN: Tired Anderson Cooper hates covering debt ceiling, realizes his white hair is growing grey

Nintendo: Glad many Tea Partiers will be voted out in next election, will buy Wii to pass time

Obama fan club: Tea Partiers want to prove Obama is an alien that beamed in debt ceiling from an outside galaxy

Planet of the Apes: Realized they have competition in Washington

Debt ceiling: Finds out it has been banned from dictionaries by irate readers

Rap music: Cursing debt ceiling makes lyrics more intelligent