Friday, June 24, 2005


Legend has it that when kung fu dub artists don't understand a Chinese actor, they substitute the word "bastard" for it.

The main villain had no dub artists, they never spoke. His job was to look down like a challenging badass, fighting and to destroy innocent trees.

Next to the badass stood a PR person, aka sidekick, who did the talking. These fellas are usually white-haired fogeys, have fu-man-chus, and sounds like a person whose throat works at 50%. He's responsible for declaring badass's challenge against the opponent.

Then there's the "bastard" sidekick. This guy is unique. His only job is to say "bastard" when the opponent tells the badass stuff like "I can beat you in a sack race," or "my sister can drink more beer than you."

This dude even gets special camera treatment -- when he shouts "you bastard," the camera zooms deep into his face. After that he runs to attack the opponent until stopped by the PR guy. You see, the main villain has to fight the opponent, you bastard. He'll do this identical skit 4-5 times and his job is done. Fake coughs might earn him a buck or two more.

Then there's the sidekick who cracks up with false laughs when the PR guy insults the opponent. So we have: PR sidekick cracks a joke; false laugh bastard does exactly 3 ha ha has; camera focuses on opponent's bastard sidekick; opponent bastard rushes to attack the main villain; he's stopped by opponent PR guy.

When the villain and the opponent fight, none of those bastards are present. Only the guy who shouts hai hai huu huu dishoom is present.


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