Sunday, December 18, 2005

Fleece by Niece and Aunt Aerobics

Over breakfast, my stubborn niece threatened she'd down the last 2 sips of chai (tea) only if given ice cream.

"I'll drink your chai then" I counter-threatened tiny Shivi. Never had a problem stealing toys from kids, and I wanted more chai anyways.

With a dirty look, Shivi gulped the tea, and scrammed to complain to mom. Yeah, like I was scared. Guess her Mom would punish me with the task of moderating Shivi's mint-plucking effort in the garden, a good bonding session with the 4 year old.

Atleast I got revenge from Shivi's shoving of a portable plastic fan right on my face as I slept the previous night. Innocent kid she is not!

Hardly asleep, I also overheard my aunt advising someone on a call to learn how to cook a vegetable called "Tindoda" in Gujarati. In general, she thought the 'younger generation' was hopeless and she felt it an obligation to pass on her junk advice.

"Youngsta(e)rs don't know what they are doing," aunt said to uncle after the call ended, nauseated. "And they have no respect for elders," she added for good measure.

I went back to sleep, hoping to use the Tindoda argument to cook her into an overburnt veggie.

On the breakfast table, aunt took niece's seat as I ate Apple Jacks, Shivi's favorite. It could've been her bowl, I forget. She poured chai, with 3 spoons of sugar to her tiny cup. I gave her a disgusting look; seemed like the right time to pick a fight with her.

"Why are you threatening everybody to learn how to cook? Are you trying to spread the gospel about the only vegetable you eat?" I shouted at aunt, unloading a can of whoopass. She put that bitter Tindoda vegetable in mango juice too, she loved it that much.

"Look at me, I am fit," she countered, tooting her own horn. "When you are 70, if you are like me, then talk," she said, getting ready for battle.

"Yeah, your jumping jack is one more thing you brag about," I responded, adding fuel to the fire.

"I am an aerobics champion. I challenge you to a workout," she said, crunching her teeth and pointing a finger at me. Add terrible dubbing, and this could be a bad martial arts flick. She naturally thought I was a bum who could walk only 15 baby steps.

Dumbfounded, I asked her to elaborate. "Compete in aerobics?"

"See who lasts longer. I can outwork my instructor," she said, enjoying the chai with an annoying sip that sounded like a drilling machine.

"Then why send me to the car to pick up 20 bags of groceries yesterday?"

"Younger people like you need to workout like we do," she said, ready to do sit ups.

"I spent 3 to 4 hours shopping and saved $50 to $60. You should also learn how to save money (you piece of trailer trash)," she added, continuing her drill of advising the next generation.

So I was a fat ass, couldn't save money, and was an expert at reheating pizza. What allegation next?

My small niece walked out of nowhere, piggybacking aunt's relentless attack and sensing victory over the chai incident.

"Mama-ji, want some ice cream?" she asked me in cute baby code. Sure niece, sure. Don't try to be too smart. "Go change your Huggies Shivi," I told her in my code.

Aunty Aerobic's eyes fell on my Apple Jacks. "You do it for her," she shouted. "You need diaper training too."

That sealed her victory. I felt like a dimwit.

"OK Shivi, lets go pick mint from the garden," I told niece, a punishment I imposed on myself after losing to Aunty Aerobics.

It felt like being a 4-year old, when I locked myself up in a bathroom as a self-punishment for a mistake. Mom was left wondering -- she knew I self-punished myself for doing something wrong -- but it took her hours to track me down as I chose a new bathroom everytime.


Blogger Chelle said...

love chai, yum.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Khakra said...

you're not talking the chai tea brand right? say no, say no chelle, please!

10:38 PM  
Blogger Mukta said...

Would you steal candy from a baby? You would, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?!! Hmmph!

11:24 PM  
Blogger Khakra said...

yeah mukta, that's me -- one rude SOB. If Shivi thinks of running a portable fan over my face again, her diapers will disappear too. i could very well use them.

1:02 PM  
Blogger square peg said...

Send the diapers to me! I have an incontinent geriatric dog. And diapers are expensive.

8:33 AM  
Blogger venus said...

ohh! May the diaper force be with you :P

just joking..

9:14 AM  
Blogger Khakra said...

diaper demand skyrocketing? rups, you're finally showing some sympathy for your pup -- becoming a softy?

v, my other niece here calls me "kaka", which means diaper toosh anyways. so the diaper force is indeed very high!

8:13 PM  
Blogger Chelle said...

nopes, not the chai tea brand, real home made chai :D

thanks for the good wishes!

3:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You talk to everybody like that. I don't feel special any more.


10:14 AM  
Blogger Khakra said...

sorry jaderabbit, speech is so trigger-happy that numerous people threaten scary kung fu moves, like my niece and you! spare please

9:35 PM  
Blogger susubala said...

I love chai than coffee. You may probably try with Cocoa Tea, it is so yummy and gives much pleasure.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Khakra said...

coffee's for after I am caught accidentally sleeping @ work. Cocoa tea.. is our good old chai going the coffee way? very intriguing though...

8:31 PM  

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