Crikey, is it Australia Day?

Australia is a hot, hot place to be. The Australian Open, great cricket and loads of beer flowing around.

Like India's Republic Day, Jan. 26 is Australia Day, where proud Australians forget about rival New Zealand and reflect on the country's past achievements and look to the future.

Grab a beer today (not Foster's, Australians disown it), and you've officially celebrated Australia Day. And yes, no New Zealand beer either.

Thanks for this cool image downunder, happy Australia Day to you and my other Aussie mates -- Arp, G and kids, downunder's family, S and N!

This goofy Q&A, sent by sis-in-law, answers touristy questions about the great nation. (This actually appears on an Australian tourism website!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. '

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Reporters sans frontières

The abduction of journalist Jill Carroll in Iraq hit my gut right in the middle. I'm praying she gets released safely.

I've been angry, disappointed, emotional ever since that news broke. I felt that sting a few years ago when a fellow journalist and friend died on the field. That was the first I really knew how dangerous international reporting can be. Jill's kidnap brushed a fresh reminder.

With reporting and editing duties, easy and tough, from 5 countries, I wonder -- is it worth embarking on my next international tour of duty? At a media gathering last Thursday, many of us wondered the same. It isn't naivete -- the few journalists who get into international reporting know there's risk in it.

Of the 400+ foreigners abducted in Iraq, some 60+ were journalists, a recent report said.

About 150 journalists died on duty last year, both internationally and locally, according to an IFJ report.

Even the U.S. Army has "abducted" three journalists, releasing one Reuters journalist a few days ago. Basically, if you don't have AP (Associated Press) credentials, the U.S. Army can nab you too. What a shame. Journalists deserve more freedom.

The boneheads of a news channel wondered why reporters worked in endangered locale. Well, channel, if you can't do it well, don't f***** ask why other people why they do it. If you've got balls, send more people to Iraq instead of inciting pointless fights between Democrats and Republicans.

I don't know Jill, but I feel kinship with her. I hope she comes back safely and those cretinous culprits are bought to justice. Please do pray for her to reach home safely. That thought keeps me going.

Bollywood movies with your subtitles

Some person desperate for change in Bollywood may have invented Bombay TV. Surprise, surprise, it comes from the French.

It's an improv site where Bollywood scenes can be twisted with your own subtitles. You get three chances to compile a scene with your subtitles, and send the movie to a friend.

So when Bachchan tells the bald baddy Shetty "Itna maroonga uska thopda tedha ho jaayega," replace that with something like "I have too much bodily hair. Want some?"

You get the drift. Try it, watch the result, and only then will you you appreciate the difficulty of writing Bollywood scripts, repeating stuff again and again and again.

And let me add this: Bollywood isn't moving to Nouveau Delhi.

Tourists swing with Indian bling

Too many trainwrecks complaining about lizards chillin' on a wall 24/7 during their India trip? Hear something lighter for a change.

Friend Christina and her beau John have dished out saucy details of their India trip here. From Bombay's shopping hotspots (Crawford Market!) to visiting pink bathrooms in Jaipur and getting the standard-issue Delhi belly, their India travelog is affectionate, warm and funny.

Did you know that The Imperial Hotel in Delhi had its signature scent? Christina's traveled around the world in search of things unique.

Her most cheesy piece, which I chided her about, came during the US-Iraq war, written for Forbes. She conjured up a "coalition vacation," where American tourists pissed off at Germany or France for opposing the war could avoid travel there and instead go to "coalition of the willing" countries like Poland, Italy, Albania, Colombia. Great pun story, but informative too.

The part-India travelog relates to their 80-day shopping spree around the world. It is a spiffy and scrumptious delight.

A blow-out Bhangra party -- 1/28

For friends in San Francisco -- there's a blow-out BhangraHennaSalsa party happening on Jan. 28. Funky Bhangra/world music, massage, heated patios. Roommate's looking forward to the free drink and henna.

E-vites are going out in limit, so if you wanna come, leave a message or e-mail me (khakra at gmail dot com) and I'll get my friend to add you to the e-vite. 100 people are already listed to go, and that's gonna grow. It's gonna rock.

Here's an e-vite extract:

"
XX (delisted, sent in all the requests)

"

A Bout with the KGB

The legend of KGB lives on with revenge stories, double agents (yes, still alive!) and garbage talk.

A Nazi-like Russian leader, Vladimir Zhirinovsky, linked KGB to Pope John Paul's assassination attempt by Mehmet Ali Agca in 1981. The Polish Pope was installed by the CIA, and as a CIA and Poland hater, it was a justified attempt by the KGB, he said. This is the same crazy Zhirinovsky who said India should conquer Pakistan and Afghanistan to share a border with Russia.

Can't recall, but he may have suggested Russia conquering China for Asia to become a pan Indo-Russia continent.

Ex-KGB agents in Georgia are feeling the effects of the country's recent revolution -- a bill being discussed in parliament will deny them federal jobs. Georgia is trying to get rid of any Soviet remnants, so they believe this is a step ahead for them.

The Georgians are proceeding without thinking. The ex-KGB folks won't be dangerous killing machines as they don't have the Soviet infrastructure to rely on, but they are well-trained in executing planned projects.

In a corruption-ridden Soviet Russia, the KGB was perhaps the most efficient organization.

As the Georgians seek revenge, the Latvians are trying to patch up with ex-KGB members by dismissing the past. If a court reverses a ban, KGB members could hold government posts soon, which has been denied to them to date.

Nevertheless, ex-KGB staffers won't be saved from being called up for jury duty. Today, I followed up jury duty with a Hindi movie. 7-1/2 straight hours on two buttbusting chairs.

One ex-KGB agent without a country is cashing in though.

Sometimes you may ask yourself: How do terrorists get their hands on guns like AK-47s? Which brings us to Victor Bout, the most dangerous ex-KGB agent to watch out for. He's the Russian version of Halliburton in one individual, just sleazier.

He supplies weapons, anything from grenades and assault rifles to helicopter gunships and tanks, to terrorist groups, militants and countries. Like a true secret agent, his name changes as he moves from country to country.

The arms are distributed from his own planes flying from the weirdest countries (Liberia? Congo? in addition to the usuals like UAE). He has supplied African governments and rebel leaders with arms, promoting conflict there. Even India has received weapons through his weapons supply chain. His weapons could well be killing people in Kashmir, though there is no way to verify that.

He technically breaks an international law that limits weapons supply, but he operates under the radar so he gets away with it. The guy has no enemies, he sees business opportunities and rides with the tide.

Somehow, he managed to get the better of Bush during the Iraq rebuild. It's like the good old KGB -vs- CIA fight, with Bout knocking out Bush.

In the Afghan war, both Taliban/Al Qaeda and Northern Alliance used weapons supplied by Victor Bout. That attracted Bush's attention, and Interpol issued an alert keeping him on the look out. He disallowed business with Bout.

But Bout's long reach beat Bush. Cheney's beloved Halliburton subcontracted with two Bout firms to transport cargo and refuel planes from U.S. airbases in Iraq. Nobody knew Bout owned those firms, but when it became obvious, the contracts were cancelled.

His name bleeps on the radar occassionally, meaning he is still out there, perhaps planning his next step or next business opportunity. Think of him as an MNC criminal

The next question is: where is he? He could be somewhere in the Russian vastland or a country the world has never heard of. Though Russia may deny knowledge where he is, he still is an ex-KGB agent, which gives him Russia's support.

Bout picked up good tools during his KGB days and is using them to good effect today. But the world can be a better place without him.

But Bout's skills show that KGB was a good agency, with skilled agents. Bout represents the best; don't judge the agency by KGB alumni who speak to Russian newspapers about aliens and supernatural intelligence.

UPDATE: Apparently, just a day after writing this, the Pope John Paul II assassin, Mehmet Ali Agca, is missing. KGB or some supernatural intelligence agency responsible for this?

The Oscar watch

(Post rated R.)

As the Oscars approach, I start my pre-Oscar watch, viewing every possible movie on the list. Saw Crash yesterday -- though confusing at times, it has brilliant performances from Don Cheadle, Jennifer Esposito and Matt Dillon, one of whom could swab a supporting performance nomination. The Shaniqua lady in a one-minute role was brilliant too, with all size, action and energy.

So was Thandie Newton, the most delicate beauty on this planet. In one scene, she looks back to a police car, after performing a fellatio on her husband who is driving. I love that frame; the black and white background makes her look so fragile and beautiful, it just melts my heart. (sorry m!)

Crash is worth checking out, if only for its brilliant performances and strong characters, who are all loosely tied to each other. The movie looks at race relations -- white folks, black folks, chinese, hispanics, even Iranians. Yo, where are the desis?? Desis always run after money, and in this movie, no one has any. It's a grim drama with some humor thrown in. The attempt to throw in LA reality is brave, though it falls a bit short.

Yeah, like my criticism of Crash will shake up the Academy and deny it any nomination. If you don't include desis in your movie, don't expect our community to be quiet.

The movie wraps up with "Maybe Tomorrow", a Stereophonics single. The synthesizer-type music mixed with sounds from their roots makes it sound like a new-age version of the band. It matches up with the high-energy concert they put up when I saw them live during my years in England.

Any recommendations for the next Oscar movie to watch?