A roast to V-Day

Compared to your average American, being a cheap stingy SOB on V-Day this year rekindled my pride about everything Gujju.

(For readers unfamiliar: Gujjus are (Asian) Indian folks known to leave dirty sheets in US motels to save money. For women unfamiliar: V-Day is nothing but psychobabble.)

So she called @ 7:15AM Pacific on Feb 14, accusing me of purposely avoiding her call last night (9PM PT/12AM ET, V-Day already started for her).

"I will never talk to you again and I will ogle at other guys from now on," she shouted before slamming the phone. Oh well, whatever makes her happy.

I sighed at my misfortune. Perhaps work would be the place to snap away from the mindfunk.

Riding the bus, I saw two kids from the Bad Boy Bail Bonds slug it out outside a taco stand at 9AM. More sigh. I finally saw a smile -- from a lady (let's call her Toto) who entered the bus on that street. She noticed an acquaintance sitting behind me (let's call her Lulu).

"Hi, it's been a long time" Toto told Lulu. "How are you?"

"I'm great. My 1-year old granddaughter called me and said 'Happy Valentine's Day, Nana'." Lulu said.

Alrighty, a full-talking 1-year old robot kid. What would follow?

"Oh that's so nice. All of my kids wished me yesterday night. I am so proud of them," Toto said. "They are in college now. Did any of your kids end up in college?" Toto asked Lulu, with a hint of bitchiness. Lulu couldn't take it.

"Yeah, my first daughter went to college in Georgia and she's studying XX YY there. My son is still messed up but he's now living on his own. I don't want them in my home," Lulu answered humbly, not yet accepting defeat. "Are your college kids still living with you?" Lulu testily asked Toto.

"The kids are still with me. But hopefully they will earn enough to live on their own once they finish university," Toto replied. "There's no problem having them at home," she lashed out at Lulu, as if teaching her a life lesson.

It went on and the heat flowed, but no fist fight broke out. This amazing fight was fought between civil adults behaving like long lost friends. How women get bitchy and control their temper at the same time just beats me.

At work, the drama was grammatic, not dramatic. I didn't want the stupid gimmicky day to read like a proper noun in *my* stories, so I lowercased the "D" in "Day." I got busted by my editor, who gave me the whole etymology of how Valentine's Day came from the great St. Valentine.

Ok, so work wasn't the place either. Home is where I found the answer -- Valentine's Day is actually about Gujjus being proud of their motherloadin' love for money.

I was stunned by a CNN report that said US spends $14 billion on Valentine's Day gifts. Showing some Gujju swagger, I splurged on two books, Malgudi Days ($11) and finally, Chasing the Monk's Shadow by Mishi Saran ($18).

Right then, I felt a surge of pride about being a Gujju, born hardwired with money-hoarding skills. As the clock passed 12:00AM to reach Feb. 15, thankfully, I recovered from the "it's either the motel business or bust" hangover.